NEWSFLASH!! Babbling Consultant Sightings on Rise…

A key part of being a consultant is the ability to communicate, and its fair to say that a major part of being able to communicate is the ability to talk. However, it has become clear that there are many who believe that talking is all that is required.

Enter the babbling consultant.

I believe these consultants are afflicted with, what I term as, Babbling Chou Chou Doll syndrome. A condition named after the childrens toy that shares a similar affliction – the ability to make a limited set of pre-programmed sounds in response to external stimuli  and, as an astute Chou Chou Doll reviewer points out, “takes a long time to go quiet when not being played with”.

My most recent ‘chou chou’ sightings have been progressively more serious so I feel it is my responsibility to highlight some of the key symptoms of the condition.

1. Constantly Seeking Attention – the chou chou needs to be heard and will attempt to catch your eye or interrupt at any given opportunity (see also point 2)
2. Invasion of Personal Space – the chou chou will often be found hovering on the periphery of other peoples discussions, behind people who are clearly busy and on the corners of desks until they capture their audience
3. Lack of Empathy – the chou chou has no sense of occasion and will exploit the opportunity to talk irrespective of the physical or mental state of the receiving party
4. Excessive repetition – the chou chou has a stock of standard phrases and questions which will be repeated ad nauseum until they get the stock answer / stimuli required to trigger the next question. The responses received to these questions are not assimilated and as such irrelevant
5. Unable to answer a direct question – in the face of a simple question, the chou chou will use the opportunity to babble endlessly about a plethora of factors and details that render them unable to answer the question posed. When the question is repeated the chou chou will often have no recollection of ever being asked.
6. Inflated sense of importance – any question or statement, however minor, is more important than what the recipient is doing or saying
7. Tangential thought processes – irrespective of the topic of the conversation, the chou chou will repeatedly pose completely irrelevant questions to the group which frequently have already been answered in previous interactions (see point 4)
8. Often found to be working alone – you will often see the chou chou having spurts of urgency interjected with prolonged periods alone at their desk as they review their strategy for identifying opportunities to execute points 1 – 4
9. Increased workload of other members of the team – as the chou chou alienates themselves from their stakeholders you will often find the other team members acting as intermediaries, thus adding to their day to day activities
10. Increasing use of non verbal communication methods – in the advanced stages of the condition, the chou chou will resort to excessive emailing as opportunities for verbal interaction diminish due to reduced receiver responsiveness to points 1-7

If you suspect that you or someone you know is displaying symptoms of this condition, please call your local doctor immediately. Please avoid going to A&E, or any other sites frequented by the multilaterally-conversing* public, to prevent contagion

Notes
* Definition: “Multilateral Conversation” – when two or more parties come together in discussion to seek awareness and deepen a relationship